Hurry Up and Wait...

Corwin was moved to a recovery room not too long after the announcement was made that he should be okay. Aashe asked to stay with him, and was told it was family only. As they had never bothered to ask if the two were related earlier... she told the nurse she was his sister, but that her name had been changed on account of a marriage.

With a look of disbelieving annoyance, the nurse was about to run a background check when Dr. Kreiss came to Aashe's rescue. He'd let the nurse know it was okay, and sent Aashe in to sit with Corwin, clearing the rest of the crew to visit in the process.

After the last few days of insanity, there was something odd about sitting in the silence of Corwin's room. Everything had been so frenetic... and now... everything was motionless. Still.

Aashe had been patched up herself, they gave her some pain killers to take if her back started to bother her. She hadn't come to that point yet, but she kept the bottle with her. Eri had gone to the ship for her, to collect her a change of clothes. She had been pining to change into something better than the ridiculous Asari dress she'd been purchased. She wore black pants, and a red jacket which was zipped up to cover the bandages around her chest and back. The red was, of course, the exact same shade as her hair.

She sat at one of two chairs at a tiny table in his room. Her view overlooked the city. She had her knees pulled up to her chest, her heels hooked on the edge of the chair, toes pointed downward. Her only movement was to methodically braid and unbraid her hair. She'd comb her fingers through the strands, pull her hair over her shoulder, and braid the length of it to the end. Her hands would run over the braid, and as the ends started to unwind, she'd catch her fingers in the braid, and start to comb her fingers through her hair once more.

She had time to think.

Thinking was turning out to be damning...

She thought about everything that had happened, about the people in her life now. They had been a part of her world so briefly, and yet... She had been given a chance to see the hearts of these people, and it made her ache with longing. Their appearances flashed in her mind's eye, unbidden...

The slight grin on Eri's face as they traded quips... Eri was sharp witted, but kind of heart - which was a rare combination. (Aashe also suspected Eri had better one liners, but the mission wasn't over yet...) In another world, if she were another person, would she and Eri already be friends? Talk over drinks, and laugh at each other's jokes?

The strength and warmth of Myn - a man who had saved her life, and seemed embarrassed when she thanked him for doing so! He seemed someone she could go to, and just talk. He had been the one to join her any time she needed an extra boost of strength. She suspected that he had feelings for Eri, which she both adored (they were so cute together!) and envied... She envied the actual relationship, how effortlessly it seemed to crop up, and how easily the two seemed to connect...

When she thought of Jeshua, she remembered the look on his face as he began to devour the root beer and ice cream she brought him. He had opened up to her, trusted that he could come to her for support and guidance (though, she didn't know if she deserved that honor). There was something in his expression that reminded her of herself.

Aivar's image came in flashes - both the explosive anger, and the expression of elation at the sight of the beautiful violin. Aivar was another person who had entrusted Aashe with a sensitive topic - though what Aivar had needed was medical attention. In another life, Aashe wondered if she would have seen Aivar somewhere more peaceful... on a stage perhaps, playing music for sold out concert audiences. Would Aivar's name have been one listed at the ticket booth in the Presidium?

The engine rooms, right after the hack on Jarvis and her ship... Krieger sitting with her as she said the first truly honest thing she'd spoken in a long time. For a man so filled with anger (and so much of it directed toward humans) he seemed rather gentle when he spoke to Aashe.

Astila smiling at her serenely from the meditation mat in the Zen room.... she was a woman who seemed both world wise, and filled with the beauty of youth. She and Krieger... a quick engagement, but they seemed to truely enjoy each other's company. Aashe wondered if perhaps Astila had lived as solitary a life as she had, she sensed a similar spirit.

Corwin...

She didn't know what to make of him. She had assumed nothing of the man when he hired her, but she had enjoyed his exuberance and zeal. And then he'd overextended himself, for the sake of the others... and wanted to buy her a gift? Aashe didn't know what scared her worse... the idea of shaking hands at the end of the mission and never seeing him again... or the idea that she might have a friend...

She had so willingly forgotten what it felt like to be around others. So willingly forgotten what it was like to open her heart to someone else. The little bit she'd done since the crew had come on board put cracks in the dam of her spirit. She could feel the rest of the turbulent waves pounding on the walls she'd put up around her heart. She both longed and feared to be known again...

And the fight with the Asari hadn't helped calm the storm. Kill or be killed... Aashe absolutely hated those situations. She found herself always thinking about who lived behind the unnamed eyes before her. Who had she killed today? Had she taken someone's lover, or best friend? Daughter? Sister? Mother? Had she orphaned a child?

Silently, she moved her hands from her hair to wipe her palms on her pants, as though the blood still existed there.

Her arms wrapped around her knees and she lowered her head, resting her forehead down, closing her eyes. In that moment, she was glad Corwin was asleep, she wanted to be smiling when he woke. She hoped he could forgive her for breaking her promise to him...

She tried not to think of any of it, the blood freezing worry for Corwin, the guilt and grief for those she'd killed, the love she felt for the crew... The more she tried to fight it, the more it flooded into her... There in that small chair, in the silence of the room, with her hair half braided; her arms held more tightly to her legs, she began to cry.